Dating Across Two Homes

There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with building a life in a new country. You have work, perhaps a church or a mosque, a few friends from the same part of the world, and a phone full of people six hours ahead of you. What you may not have is someone who understands both halves of your life: the Lagos or Accra or Freetown half, and the Brampton or Scarborough or Calgary half.

That is why so many of our members are open to meeting someone who is not in the same city, or even on the same continent. A few years ago that would have sounded like a hardship. Today it is simply how a lot of good relationships begin.

The first thing to say is that distance is not a character flaw in a relationship. It is a logistics problem, and logistics problems have solutions. The second thing to say is that distance makes you talk. Couples who live around the corner from each other can drift for months on the strength of convenience. Couples who are apart have to decide, every week, that the other person is worth the call. That decision is the relationship.

A few things we have seen work well. Agree early on how you will talk and how often, and then keep to it: a Sunday video call that always happens is worth more than daily messages that fade. Tell each other the boring parts of your day, because that is what living together would give you. And be honest about the calendar. If one of you is on a study permit, or waiting on a sponsorship, or saving for a ticket home, say so. A plan that is written down, even loosely, keeps distance from becoming drift.

Be careful, too, about the difference between wanting someone and wanting to not be alone. The winter here is long. If you find yourself agreeing to things you would never accept in person, or sending money you cannot spare, pause. A person who cares about you will wait for you to be sure.

None of this is a promise that distance is easy. It is a reminder that many of the strongest marriages in our communities started with two people, two time zones, and a decision to keep talking. If that is where you are, you are in good company.