Dating Someone Who Grew Up Here When You Did Not

It seems like it should be easy. You are both Nigerian, or both Ghanaian. You know the same songs, laugh at the same jokes, and your mothers would understand each other perfectly. And yet one of you arrived at twenty-eight with a degree and an accent, and the other was born in Etobicoke and has been to Lagos twice.

This is a real gap, and pretending it is not there is the surest way to fall into it.

The person who grew up here has had to explain themselves all their life, to classmates who could not pronounce their name and to relatives who thought they were "too Canadian." They may be tired of both. They may speak Yoruba or Twi haltingly, or not at all, and be sensitive about it. They may have a looser relationship with the church, with elders, with the expectations you take for granted. And they may find you, at first, a little formal, a little serious about things they treat lightly.

The person who arrived as an adult carries home in the present tense. Family is not a Christmas visit; it is a daily phone call and a monthly transfer. Respect for elders is not a value but a reflex. They may find the person who grew up here a little careless with things that cost them a great deal to keep.

None of this is a reason not to try. Some of the happiest couples we know are exactly this pairing, and what makes it work is that each stopped expecting the other to be a mirror.

So ask, rather than assuming. "How do you feel about sending money home?" "What did your parents want for you, and how did that go?" "Do you want our children to speak the language?" These are not tests. They are the things you would want to know anyway, asked out loud.

Be generous about the accent, the vocabulary, the different way of being African. Neither of you is the correct version. You are two branches of the same tree that grew in different weather, and a relationship between you can have the best of both: roots and range.