Red Flags Versus Differences

The phrase "red flag" has done a lot of work in recent years, and some of it has been harmful. People now leave good conversations over things that are not warnings at all: a different taste in music, a slower reply, an opinion about pineapple on pizza. Meanwhile, the real warnings are still missed, because they rarely look like flags. They look like charm.

So it is worth being clear about the difference.

A difference is something about the person that is not about you. They are quieter than you. They vote differently. They want to live in the suburbs and you want downtown. They are closer to their family than you are to yours. They have a hobby you find dull. These are the ordinary texture of another human being, and a relationship with no differences is a relationship with a mirror. Some differences will turn out to be incompatibilities, and that is what dating is for: finding out. But they are not warnings.

A warning is something about how the person treats you, or others, or the truth. They were rude to the waiter. They talk about every ex as crazy. They pressure you when you say no, even about small things. Their story changes. They want to move very fast, and they make your caution feel like an insult. They ask for money. They cannot do a video call. They are kind in public and sharp in private. They keep score.

One of those, on its own, might be a bad day. Two or three together is a pattern, and patterns do not improve with time or with love.

Here is a useful test. Ask yourself: is this thing about who they are, or about how they behave toward people who cannot do anything for them? Differences live in the first category. Warnings live in the second.

And a second test: does this make you uncomfortable, or does it make you smaller? Discomfort is often just newness. Feeling smaller, quieter, more careful, more apologetic than you were before you met them: that is the thing to leave over, and you do not need to name a flag to do it.

Give differences time. Give warnings none.