The First Message: Three Lines That Get a Reply

Most first messages fail for one reason: they could have been sent to anyone. "Hi, how are you?" is polite, and it is also invisible. The person on the other end has probably received ten of them today.

You do not need to be clever. You need to be specific. Here is a shape that works, and it is only three lines.

The first line names one thing from their profile. Not their photo, which they have heard about, but something they chose to write. "You mentioned you spent a summer working in Yellowknife." "I noticed you listed Nollywood films and hiking, which is a combination I have not seen before." This proves you read, and reading is the rarest compliment on any dating site.

The second line offers something of yourself that connects to it. "I have never been further north than Barrie, but I have always wanted to see the midnight sun." "I grew up on those films with my cousins, so I would be curious which ones you rate." This is not a monologue; it is one sentence that shows you are a person, not a form.

The third line is a question that is easy to answer. Not "What are you looking for?" which is heavy, and not "How was your day?" which is empty. Something with a small, pleasant answer: "Was Yellowknife as cold as they say?" "Which one would you make me watch first?"

That is the whole message. Three lines, perhaps sixty words. It takes two minutes to write and it will be read.

A few things to leave out. Do not comment on their body. Do not apologise for messaging. Do not explain that you are new to this. Do not send a second message if the first one is not answered within a day; people are busy, and a follow-up reads as pressure.

If they reply, you are in a conversation, and conversations have their own rhythm. If they do not, you have lost two minutes. That is a fair trade for the times it works.